I wanna smile again...

Todays post would be a little different from the rest...
Im not here to talk about my day or how it went...
Im gonna talk about how i feel...

Well... After the breakup, i thought i would feel better knowing that now im all to myself... Unfortunately, it turns out that ive been in depression. Its like my body automatically responded towards what happened... I havent been eating well... Everything else seems to be wrong... Ive been keeping myself really busy till i till i dont have time to think about other things...

Im glad she's moving on... It makes it easier for me to move on as well...

I dont really know what to say about what happened between us... I guess things just couldnt work out with me being too busy for anything... I just wanted some space to breathe.

Yeah now i can finally breathe. But i guess the air around me seemed to have run out.
So i still end up trying to breathe.

I never meant to hurt you neither did i have the intention to make you cry. But after all those happened, turns out that someone was there to pick you up... I wish you happiness all the way...

And for my side of the story... Im still moving on... And honestly, i wont be able to forget anything. Every single moment. It was great being around you. I hope we can still be friends.. Oh wait.. Or maybe not for the moment..

Im finally crushing on someone else... At least thats what i think... I dont wanna repeat the same mistakes. I guess i cant seem to handle relationships that well yet. And it does hurt each time things end. I might say things are okay... Or maybe look like im doing great whenever im around... The fact is.. I tear myself up inside each time i make a mistake... And why do i not look sad when im around? Tell me this... When you're tring to have some fun outside and someone pulls a long face and is filled with sadness, wouldnt that just take away the fun inside you as well? I dont like ruining the fun others want.. I like to keep my problems to myself...

At least till someone asks me..

And id listen to everything any of you want to say... Because i know what its like to have so many things inside to say and no one to hear you say it...

Right now...

I feel like a part of me inside was just taken out... And i feel like its getting harder to breathe... Im still alive but things feel so hard for me to handle... I need my friends... Dont ask me about my problems or ask me to forget them cuz i wont... I know everything happens for a reason... No matter how broken up inside i can be... I still know how and why things happen... Im so confused on what i want... I know what i want at times... But most of the time, im not sure if what i want, wants me as much as i want it.

Things only work if it goes both ways.

At the moment, im crushing on this girl. But i dont think it'll work out. Or maybe its still waaay too soon to figure out. Plus, i wouldnt set my hopes so high for a girl like her. She's amazing. Im not asking for sympathy here. Im just expressing how i feel at the moment.

I bet those of you who loved and lost someone before would understand what it feels like. The place you used to feel like there were butterflies inside just fades away, and instead you feel like your insides are being ripped out and you feel so empty and it hurts so bad that it makes you wanna cry... What would you do when that happens? Apart from letting yourself bleed, you'd wish someone would come and take all this away right? All the pain you feel, you wanna stop thinking so negative and you want someone to tell you that its gonna be alright every single day even when its not. You want someone to convince you that nothings gonna happen as long as you're around.

I wanna apologize to all the people i hurt before. And just so you all know. I hurt each time you feel like i dont care. Or when it seems that i was just playing around with your heart. well, look what happened now? Someone else came by and saved you from your pain. Im like a stop for you. I dont really deserve anyone. Cuz most of the time, id give them away to those who i feel are more worthy to be with. Things would only go far if you could handle the pressure. But most of the time they dont. At least till now.

I think i need friends. Friends that are willing to be there for me whenever i need them. But wait. Sometimes i dont deserve friends either.

Wait. Lets see. I think im selfish. I only think about myself. THats why im complaining alot here.

Im gonna get over whatever im going through.

AT the moment. I like this girl. Alot. But i dont wanna ruin things. I like it the way it is. I guess i'll just keep it that way till someone comes by and takes her away. I mean its not like i own her. And i dont think she knows this. Hopefully she doesnt. Cuz i think i would scare her off.

Right now, i just hope i'll be able to smile SINCERELY.

I feel so empty.
I feel like i dont deserve anything.
And for those who need someone to talk to...
You can come looking for me.
I might be able to help you...